Over the last hour or so I've managed to do a lot of things that I'm less than proud of. In fact, I'm mostly horribly embarrassed of. At least I could share these moments with my SIL Carly. That way not only will I always remember it....she will too.;)
Today was the first full day of school for Ashley. She's not the oldest so I didn't think much of it. As she was packing her lunch this morning though I started to worry a little bit. She packed 3 things that needed to be opened...usually by me...not today though. But whatever she grabbed her lunch and hopped on the bus without a tear....from either of us. I'm not one of those moms who cries on the first day of school. Anyway, round 11 I started worrying that she wouldn't be able to open her food and since she's shy, she won't ask for help. Yes there's help I know...but I also know Ashley and that she doesn't like talking to unfamiliar people. At 11:30 I called and asked Daniel if it'd be crazy to stop in to make sure she got her food opened ok. and "Yes...it would be crazy". "She'll be fine...there's lots of help...are you really that worried about her?" silence. And cue the tears. I started crying and said we'll talk later. Should've stopped there but no I asked Carly, my SIL, to go with me to the school so I could stop in. 5 minutes later I'm walking in the office. Everything would have been fine if I could have gone straight to the cafeteria...but no I have to stop and explain why I'm there(I do appreciate their attempts to keep out crazies). I say "Hi...hi...hi" followed by breakdown. Great now I'm crying in the office....they're used to that...5 year-olds come in all the time crying. Problem....I'm not 5. I'm supposed to be an adult who can pull myself together and not show up like a loony to my kids first day of school crying in the office. It was surreal. Right out of a movie...a horror or a comedy?....still undecided. How did they react? They said oh are you ok?...do you want to go to a conference room in the back?(aka please hide yourself before you scare everyone). I managed to pull myself together and say I just wanted to check on Ash and I'm so sorry for crying. They directed me to the playground where she would be playing in a few minutes. Lunch was over....and I was a wreck. So I quietly walked back to the van and told Carly the whole embarrassing story while heading to Mcdonald's to drown my sorrows in saturated fat. Pretty sure not many moms can top that embarrassing story.
The truth is...it's hard to watch your kids grow up. I will always miss their sweet baby faces...their sweet little voices....their sweet little hands and feet. I'm happy they get to do new and exciting things but I'm sad that someone else gets to spend more time with them than me. I know they drive me nuts a lot....but I love them and can't stand the thought of them being hungry or scared at lunch....hate to think that some kid will say something to make them feel bad today, or tomorrow. A line from a song I really like goes "It hurts to grow up"...and it sure does. It's hard having to be the grown up and putting on a brave face...I obviously failed at that today. I'm not embarrassed about being that sad, but I'm embarrassed about not keeping it together when I needed to. I made one good decision today.....not to go and visit Ash when I knew that I'd just cry. Anyway, here's hoping tomorrow I can be a little more grown up.